Local Revision: Wordiness

Original: The NFL employs hundreds, entertains millions, and essentially owns a day of the week. The league has built an impressive monopoly over the providing of the American’s population favorite sport, football. Their gargantuan headquarters standing tall in the heart of New York City is symbolic of the influence and pure hold the league holds over a vast majority of the American population. Following years of attempting to evade the concussion conversation, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s and the league’s negligence and ignorance proved to be their ultimate downfall when sued by current and former players regarding the issue. As stated in the sources’ synopses, this party has perhaps the largest share of stakes as made evident by its financial and ethical impact across the globe. A very large majority of the world’s population is familiar with the NFL depending on their access to television, the Internet, or any sort of media where the NFL is found in every corner. On the other hand, the players’ struggle between gamesmanship and livelihood defines their stance in the crisis. Many risk their lives with every loud thud of a hit but perceive their reputation and monetary compensation presides over all else. The tertiary stakeholder, with a retrospective and progressive outlook on the situation, are the medical evolutionists and technological innovators, which can be grouped together. Corporations such as Riddell and STAR are now pitted in a race for the coveted prize that can save a billion-dollar industry and they will consequentially be compensated in respect to the helpfulness of their innovation - the concussion-proof helmet. Fringe doctors, researchers, and leading medical evolutionists which may play a complementary role to this newfound desire for technological innovation are also an important stakeholder. Unlike the other stakeholders, this classification of involved parties are not dependent on the others and are operating on an independent basis.

Revised: The NFL, employer of thousands, entertainer of millions, and an owner of a day of the week. The National Football League is the globalized provider of the national pastime of football. The league's illustrious mammoth structure of a headquarters in the heart of New York City is symbolic of the influence it possesses in the world today. But, even the largest giant can fall. The NFL could no longer could hide from the ever-looming concussion controversy. Their ignorance and negligence had caught up to them. Now, the several millions of people subject to the NFL's popularity and monopoly could only watch from their televisions, smart phones, tablets, etc. as one of the world's biggest corporations finally had an enemy it could not even squash. The league finally had succumbed to the players' struggle between gamesmanship and livelihood as well as corporations', such as Riddell and STAR, lust for concussion-proof technology. Additionally, fringe doctors, leading medical evolutionists, technological innovators, all were now a part of this monumental crisis. Although the players and league may be directly associated, a whole other world of technology, media, and viewership held stakes in the NFL concussion controversy.

The revised paragraph is much more fluid and succinct and consequentially more powerful as a whole in describing the stakeholders of the NFL concussion controversy. I do believe it lost some eloquence with the deletion of grandiose wording but I now understand verbosity is not to be found in the conventions of a QRG.